That being said, I think… I think I’m getting on top of what has felt like a massive influx of stronger feelings.  It almost feels like a new peace… a new sense of calm may be setting in, but I’ll give it a few days before I make that call.

One thing did happen today that kind of blew my mind.  I was wearing a t-shirt, and my newest pair of pants which are capri length cargo pants, and I had my hair being kept back by a hair band that was resting right behind my ears… and I saw myself in a mirror… and I saw my smile ( I was going to go jump in the pool ), and it just blew me away how much of a different person I now am.

I NEVER looked at myself in a mirror before transitioning, except for grooming… it is amazing how things change.

I found out what I need to do about my passport.  I’m going to wait another week or so since I just got laser, and have a new photo taken since my hair is looking even longer now.  I’ve got a whole stack of paper to mail off with form DS-5504 addressed to the Customer Service Manager for Changes, and hopefully they will accept it.

On the even more depressing news front, I’m giving up hope of rekindling any sort of relationship with my ex-wife.  I really don’t want to go into it on a public forum, in fact not even in a private forum, but the bottom line is that we both grew and changed in different ways until we were no longer compatible… regardless of how much we wished we were.  The strength of our love made things all that much worse, but if you truly love someone, you have to set them free.

And now to start off the morning… Rage Against The Machine – “Wake Up”

Before I started to deal with my issues, my depression was extremely bad.  As I headed into transition, it declined to nearly nothing.  As things have moved onward, progressed, gone to fucking hell, and settled into… frankly… a rather depressing life, my depression is getting worse and worse.

I’m starting to wonder if I need some new anti-depressants or something…. because this is NOT good.  It might be kind of situational, I need closure or a path forward.  I can’t live in limbo.

So to review, in no particular order, the changes over the last year.

Pluses:

• A cup breasts
• Softer skin
• Thinner body hair
• Happier scalp hair
• I has some fat on my hips.
• OMG I have a butt!
• I’m treated as a woman!
• A sense of contentment and happiness that I’ve never known before.
• I lost privilege which is a plus… and minus.
• I actually smile now!

The minuses:

• My marriage failed.
• I have no relationship with some of my family now.
• I lost privilege.
• I spend lots of time feeling lonely, and soon afterwards sad.
• I have weird dreams now.
• Being mis-gendered REALLY REALLY messes with my head.

I hate to say it, and I know this sounds horrible, but the pluses outweigh the minuses any day of the week.  The bottom line is that I’m happier then I’ve ever been before in my life. Its great not to feel major depression every minute of the day, to feel at complete at odds with your body, to hate your appearance, and to try and force yourself to smile every day.  It is great to not sit and think about wanting to die because of how much of a chasm existed between my body and my mind.  Would I go down this path again knowing what I know now… In a heartbeat.  Would I have made some changes along the way, absolutely, but I can’t change those things, and there is no reason to dwell in the past.

So, now begins what, by all regards will still be a difficult year ahead of me, but there are positive things on that road.  One thing I’m expecting to do in the next month or two is rename this blog.  In any event, as you all know… Comments, Questions, and anything else is welcome.

Of course, I didn’t shower either, but I’m definitely becoming more comfortable which is totally a major plus, and in a sense it kind of reminds me of back when my face started to change and I would look in the mirror and smile.

The other thing that I’ve noticed as of recent is that I’m getting “ma’am” much more now, without any hesitation from people.  That has just made my day over and over as of recent.

I guess its nice to have some positives counter balances in life right now.  This past month has been one of the more expensive months due to unexpected expenses, and various other things popping up, meanwhile this next month is going to be the busiest.  On a plus, I got a trip to New York out of it, and I’m getting a trip to Atlanta soon out of it.

Coming up is also Debauchery, which means things are going to get very busy, but I’m looking forward to it.

In the mean time while waiting for the letters, I did some things to live!  I decided that I finally had to brew ginger beer.  Its still brewing though… taking its sweet time.  I also managed to make it to New York and visit with some coworkers and my cousin.  Of course, there was also an Amazon Technical training class and the conference that we attended which was fun.  But after all of that, each night, there was plenty of enjoying alcohol and each other’s company.

I did manage to introduce both of my close coworkers to Devil’s Cut, which they both enjoyed greatly.  Of course, we did this in a bar in the east village, with each of us having Sake with dinner, and another drink before we each had two rounds of Devil’s Cut.  Needless to say, we walked around the east village and eventually found an all night diner  a little past 1 AM.  That being said, I have another style of cheesecake to try soon. Of course, I also saw my cousin, and have decided to stay off alcohol for a while.  Yeah, WAAAAY too many hangovers in a week.

After getting home from New York, in the evening, I was just hanging out in pajamas in a tank top in a very good mood, and I accidentally grazed one of my nipples.  That triggered this wave of happiness and contentment that I had never before experienced before.  Rinse and repeat four or five times, and I was very very very happy.  I ended up emailing a trans friend of mine and asking if this is something that they had experienced before and their response was “oh my god yes!”.

With all of that, and yesterday making my reservation of sorts for GRS, I’m in a really good mood.  I did get really sad last night reflecting upon everything, but I’m going to stay positive today.

Anyway, I need to go have breakfast, and get ready for my day.  Maybe actually warm up the ginger ale a little so fermentation speeds up… because you know… yum!

My date for GRS has been set, on my 30th birthday of all things.  I’m happy, but it has been painful and difficult to get to this point.  Reflecting on the past year, I’m crying now and I was hoping for a bit of a longer post.  Perhaps tomorrow.

I guess part of the reason I’m pimping it now is I want to ensure plenty of people are there this year to keep my lens busy.  Yes, I’m one of the two photographers.

Also, Friday my passport paperwork was sent off.  YAY!

I’m still working on lining up surgery, but its looking like December may be it.  I’ve shocked some friends by wanting to try and pull it off… so soon.  The bottom line is that I perceive financial uncertainty towards the end of 2014, plus I am uncertain if I can hold out with my dysphoria until 2015.  So the idea is to just get it done with, be done with the pain, be done with the absolutely revolting bits between my legs, and try to move towards anything resembling happiness.  So yeah, the dysphoria is also getting VERY bad.

So with that.  I have the summary letter from my Endo, and I should be able to pickup the letters from my therapist in the next week or so.  Once I have that, it will be time to schedule.  I fear it, but I fear my dysphoria and the incongruity more.

So how have things been going otherwise…  I started drinking more about a month and a half ago, but I’ve managed to cut that back down, and I’ve also managed to pretty much halt my lorazepam intake.  I have also been formally diagnosed as having Aspergers.  That really came as no surprise, but it validated what I’ve suspected for a while.  With that confirmation I’ve been able to refocus the lens that I look at past events with and have gained a better understanding.

Being able to refocus has given me an understanding of things like why my arm would shake when I would get into an overloaded state, why I struggle with people’s statements/expressions, why I tend to overshare and require context for understanding.  All of that is coming into focus, so in one sense I understand myself far better then I ever have before.

So this next week, will be hellacious.  Seven scheduled events/items outside of work hours, plus I have to drive into the office all this next week.  At least my boss is in full support of the going out and having a drink with lunch.

Anyway, I need a nap.  I need to try and forget about my bits.

On a good and bad note for the week… My health insurance carrier changed their prescription claims processor which resulted in my scripts not being filled because the claim was rejected.  When I went to pickup the prescriptions, the pharmacist totally read me as female which made my day… although.. she updated my insurance information and put me in as female.  As a result, the claims wouldn’t process.  In the end, it was resolved, but I’m sure thats going to be an issue moving forward.