It was never clear to me how much my life would change. How painful those changes would be, how lonely my future paths would be, and how much pain I would be in because there is no-win. There is eventual sufficient treatment to render my gender dysphoria a non-issue…. yet along that path I’ve lost so much.
It would be one thing If I didn’t loose the person I love in all of this, but I have… and I still love her with all my heart, which makes it so painful to hear that communication, even tangentially with me is difficult for her and causes her pain. I know she feels as If I’ve kicked her out of my life, as if I’ve dumped her. There are extenuating circumstances that there is no need to go into, but we were in a no-win, and I couldn’t be what she wanted, and she couldn’t be what I wanted… so while painful it was for the best.
So here, I’m sitting, pondering my future. Because, lets be honest, I can’t cry myself to bed every night, nor can I do it every morning until I work up the energy to begin my workday.
I’m pondering a complete social social circle detachment because here is another no-win for me. I’ll be even more lonely, but I won’t cause more pain. I’ll gain back the energy that I use to try and stay in the social circle, because its not like the circle comes to you. I’ll continue to cry until I get over these feelings, but my impact on others should be non-existant. I’ll just disappear… and I’m fairly sure I won’t be missed that much. I know this seems silly, but I see this as the only way, short of packing up my car and just driving away. I have certain things in my life that must be maintained and as it is, and I’m struggling. I’ll struggle less as time goes on… at least I hope.
Part of me sees no future, and thats a bad sign. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t see a road in front of me which means I need to make the road or take another path.
The most painful part about all of this is that its not like I asked to be this way, its not like I wanted my head to be wired as a girl and have the body of a guy…. I never wanted this pain in my life, I never wanted any of this. All I’ve wanted is the incongruity that has made me miserable fixed… and its partially fixed now… but…. the pain…. the cost… has been too much.
Now I’ve got an hour to try and stop crying… I suspect I’ll fail. FML
And now for another product of Aperture, Hugin, and some time trying to stay busy:
Taken from the boardwalk in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.