So I had a fun discussion with my therapist this week.
Her opinion is that its okay to feel the way I feel because the bottom line is that I’m going through some really fucking shitty times. She says its okay to feel the way that I feel, even though I may not like the feelings, and that time will heal… most of the things.
So she has given me a few requests:
- Cut down on the lorazepam because she does not want to see me become addicted and I’m in a cycle to become addicted easily.
- Try and move to guided imagery for help getting to sleep. She understands I’m kind of in a weird spot medication wise as well, and feels that it might help in the long run.
- No romantic relationships until I’ve both physically and emotionally healed, and by physically, she did mean GRS.
- Oh, and only one night stands until the previous restriction has passed. For those of you paying attention, its not like this one really even matters because I have no almost sexual desires these days.
- Try and get out, and socialize with people with some sort of common interests.
Of course, the last three, I’ve also heard in various forms from several friends this week, both trans and cis, which has been really odd… and slightly awkward.
So, I’m taking the advice, at least what I can at the moment, and still trying to move forward. I really want this year, which I’ve titled the year of pain, over with. The natural downside is of course that it is only March, but on the plus side, it will be April soon!
So I’m trying to get some things moving as well. I’ve got my evaluations scheduled for the letters that I need to schedule surgery, and I’ve prodded my endocrinologist’s office for a summary report of my hormone treatment. I’m kind of worried that my endocrinologist is a gatekeeper and may feel that I’m not ready to schedule. My therapist rocks, and has a contingency plan for me in the form of another endocrinologist that I can see who will be more then happy to do what I want, and provide documentation based on medical history, should the fear materialize. Besides, there are multiple positive reasons to make that switch, including being treated like an adult, and having better care.
Beyond that, I’ve been just trying connect to people that I can relate to, and to my likely detriment, that is mostly transwomen in the same boat as I.
I’ve been hitting some wonderful land minds as well which have spanned an entire range of emotions. But… its okay to feel the emotions and it is okay to hurt. It is just part of the process to heal, and the recognition of that, at least in my perception of reality, is the most powerful first step to healing the emotional damage.
P.S. My boobs hurt… </WHINE>
P.S.S. Streaming video of cute kittens helps all the things!
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