Down

I’m feeling really really down right now. It feels like everything that I try to do blows up on me, or gets people upset at me.

I have been trying to so what is right, what has been agreed upon, what is ultimately right to many, but people just get pissed off at me. I know I can’t please everyone, I know there are just douche bags in the world, but I really don’t need this crap in my life. What is even worse is that I’m questioning everything I do now and frankly, I’m not sure I want to do anything at this point.

Context: I’ve been burned at least 6 times in 4 days. I really just want to give up. Perhaps it’s time to visit my therapist.

P.s. Context is a bitch, and non-matching context seems to just be the root cause of issues.

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Got a good call today

Today my father called me.  Well, I guess I should rewind for a moment.  I sent him an email this morning to just let him know how things are going in my life.  Honestly, I kind of rambled.  Anyway, he called me this afternoon, and went on and on about how happy I seemed from my email, and how it was the most up-beat email he has seen from me in years.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing. :)

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Life

Life has been… hectic… to say the least.

Work has been crazy, and this week on call has not helped at all.

Lets see, where to start:

  • Still in love.  I’m honestly scared how deeply in love I’ve become, but the feeling is mutual, and we know to take things one step at a time.  It feels weird when you click with someone on nearly every level, and have just an unfathomable amount in common.  What I’m loving about it all is how my body is reacting.  Spontaneous orgasms.  I had three in just a few hours.  Nothing sexual was said or implied, but thoughts that made me incredibly happy just drifted through my mind, and I would begin to get weak in the knees.
  • The breasts, are pretty much a solid B cup, although the definition of a B cup of course varies all over the place.  The fun thing is that they are starting to grow again and have been since the beginning of August.
  • I’ve started electrolysis.  It is naturally more expensive, but I’ve got hair laser is just not making any impact on.  Honestly, it hurt less than laser.
  • I wrote a letter to my mother.  Yes, another letter.  This one was to tell her that I was having surgery, not to worry, and that I hoped she would one day understand.  Of course, I signed it “Your fairly normal kinky pierced atheist lesbian trans-woman daughter”.
  • The support group is going strong, and we actually got invited out to another Pride festival, although mainly because they have no other trans group or anything trans focused slated to be there.
  • I had a woman tell me this past weekend that they would have never guessed that I was anything but a genetic girl.  No makeup, no nothing, just myself in a t-shirt and jeans.  Happy,  I was!
  • I glanced in a mirror today, and saw a girl smiling back at me.  That made my day.

December 10th is coming.  In the next few weeks I’ll be fully paid up.  I’ve pondered surgery for the last three months, and I just don’t see myself being happy without surgery.  What I mean by that is that the dysphoria can just be crippling at times, and it really hurts me to my soul.  It is the best, and only realistic option.  I would be lying if I said I was not scared.

Anyway, time to head to bed, curl up, and think happy things.

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An interesting experience…

This past weekend, my girlfriend and I had a late lunch out, and we were holding hands.  It was fun, cute, and felt right!  But, what the true new experience was that a couple was seated in the next both, they apparently glanced at us a few times, and then requested to be moved.

I would have never thought about it before, but I was HAPPY that they had a problem with it.  It just means to me that they perceived me as a woman, and us as a lesbian couple, which in reality was completely appropriate and correct perception.

Life is good!

And I just realized I get to add a new tag to the blog.  Love

 

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Quo Vadis

I’ve been thinking about my blog coupled with the recent changes in my life and the fact that I’m drastically changing in some ways, and not at all in others.

Expect this blog to change. It is not a bad thing, actually a really good thing.

In any event, life is going quite well. It is awesome to spend time with someone you truly just click with, who understands you to your core, who no wall can stand up to.

In any event, it is time for a photo of myself. It is long over-due.

20130825-203514.jpg

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Where did the blog go?

Sorry about the blog going down for a few weeks… I do actually feel bad about it. Bottom line, stuff broke, and it was just easier to migrate the blog to a new server when I had some time.

So here we are!

I have a few things that I will elaborate more on soon, but in no particular order here they are.

  • I don’t have cancer! Biopsy results were clean. I do have mild chronic mastitis though, but no big deal.
  • I have an awesome girlfriend! More about her soon!
  • I’ve started sending the payments in for surgery. Plane tickets purchased!
  • My boobs are growing again… Finally. Oh my god the nipples itch!
  • I’m in love!
  • I need a nap!
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I know I’ve been quiet

I suspect I’m going to become very quiet over the next few months.

I had a wonderful opportunity to ask a wonderful friend of mine some questions and I have less fear (of the unknown) now, and while surgery will be a big step in my life, hopefully I won’t have to deal with dysphoria anymore.  First step forward, plane ticket purchased, and very soon the initial deposit.  Four months and Four days till I go to Montreal.

Other then the breast lump of doom, Things are going great.  I should have the lab results tomorrow.

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